An amendment...sort of?

Earlier in the week, I admitted that I'm not good at this.  For anyone who may have wondered after reading the first paragraph of my last post...

I love being a Mama.

After all, how could you not simply adore this face?

Timothy brings Dan and I more joy that we could ever have dreamed up.  He loves people, loves to laugh and play, and we are so blessed with a happy baby.   His personality and presence have made this household better and fuller, and we can't imagine life without him.

I still meant everything I said in my previous post, however.  I write a lot on multiple blogs and don't share often, but felt a push to share that one.  My heart intention in sharing it was twofold...

First of all...  I really believe that we girls have gotta break the Mommy Silence.  A friend of mine messaged me in my first few weeks postpartum, and said those words to me.  "...break the Mommy Silence..."  I was so tired, and nobody had mentioned what sleep deprivation really feels like.  She was encouraging me and saying that we mommies need to stick together.  I believe this.  We need more Mamas who are willing to be real, to talk about the nitty-gritty of the little years.  Because there is nitty-gritty.  And I know it gets forgotten quickly, and it only lasts a little while in the grand scheme of things...but that doesn't change the fact that when you're in it, it can be downright hard.  And you know what?  There is no shame in admitting that.

It's like there's this silent competition amongst moms, that we don't want to mention that, "I've cried three times this week just because I'm tired from being up with a teething baby...".  What if my Mama friend sees that I don't have it all together?  What if she does have it all together?  I don't want to be vulnerable, only to find out that I'm obviously a sissy-Mama, unable to cope with the day-to-day of Mamahood.  So I stay silent.  I don't admit that sometimes, I just loose it...or forget things...or say the wrong things...or don't know how to handle the rest of the day.  Because what if it really is just me?  What if I'm all alone, doing this Mama thing, and feeling like sometimes I get it all wrong?

But you know what?  9-out-of-10 moms that I talk to...really talk to...about their week, about the happenings in their house... 9-out-of-10 will admit that, yeah, I don't have it figured out.  And it's tough.  And some days it's not fun.

I've said so many times in the last 10 months that parenting is every emotion you've ever had, to the hilt.  One moment I'm crying because I haven't slept in 4 nights and my body aches to lie down.  And then later that same day, I'm crying because someday Timothy will graduate highschool and my heart feels like it might rip out of my chest when I think about him not being near me all the time.  No other relationship makes you feel so deeply, on all levels and in all aspects.  I know that's why the Father offered His Son...not a wife, or a friend, or a parent...His child.  They invade your heart and your life unlike any other relationship, and because of that everything is felt more truly, more raw.  So yeah, it's so hard.  Hardest thing I've ever done.  But it's oh, so sweet.  Sweetest thing I've experienced in this world.

So I would love to see the Mommy Silence broken.  Don't be ashamed that it's hard sometimes.  It's not complaining to admit that something isn't easy.   But also relish that it's so very precious.  Because it is, fully, both hard and precious.

The other reason for my post was simply encouragement.  Encouragement to know that you're not by yourself, you beautiful Mamas in the trenches.  I know so many dear ones who are in the same place as I am, every day, in this same season.  I'm right there with you, learning as I go, as are countless others.  I offer you the encouragement that you are doing well - such a beautiful job at loving your littles, growing them, nurturing them - all by His grace.  That's the beauty of it.  Our strength doesn't come from knowing we're good moms, or how cute our kids look when we go out, or how together we appear on Facebook.  It comes from our only Source, our only Well.  He is enough, and will fill us up when we're comin' up empty.   We don't have to have it all together.  Praise God.

So take heart... take a deep breath and a good, long drink from the Well, Mama friends.  I know I do.

"And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  I want to do what is right, but I can't.  I want to do what is good, but I don't.  I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.  But if I do what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it...  Thank God!  The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord..."  - Romans 7:18-20, 25

"My old self has been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.  So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.  I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless.  For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die."  - Gal 2:21

"But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out His grace on me - and not without results.  For I have worked harder than any of the apostles; yet it was not I, but God who was working through me by His grace."  - 1 Cor 15:10



-HK



All Scripture quotations are from the New Living Translation of the Bible.

Mommy Boot Camp: How to Survive (Notes from one Mommy who just lived through it...)

I began writing this post back in the fall, and wanted to share now that I have a few more things to add...

Lemme tell you what nobody tells you... the first few weeks of being a new mom are hard.  I was not prepared for what sleep deprivation, complete loss of familiar routine, being cooped up in my house 24/7, and feeling like I lived in a rocking chair was going to do to me.  Don't get me wrong...I adore my son.  He brings us so much joy and I can already not even remember life without him.  But those first 6-8 weeks kind of feel like another life, when I look back on them.  Now, at 10 months post-partum and going strong, things are so much easier.  Eight months ago, if you had told me things would get better, I probably wouldn't have believed you...just ask Dan. 

I was talking with a friend of mine right after Timothy was born, and she said we really need to "break the Mommy silence" about those first few post-partum weeks with your first child.  Not all, but most, first-time mommies will go through this season of feeling like a fish-out-of-water.  Nothing is the same.  But be encouraged!  It does get better.  On this side of things, there is color in the world again.  But before I can't remember these days anymore (because apparently they are easily forgotten - people have multiple children!) I want to "break the Mommy silence" and share some things I learned to make these weeks seem a bit less scary for anyone who might be about to go through them, in the midst of them, or feeling like they don't want to ever experience them again.

- Stop Googling.  Trust your God-given mommy instincts.  Ask experienced moms who you personally know.  But for Heaven's sake, stop looking everything up.  I speak from experience.  It will probably just make you worry more, and next week your baby probably won't be doing whatever it is doing anymore, anyway.  

- Eat well.  Sounds basic enough, but I can't tell you how much better I felt when I actually ate food.  Many days after Dan returned to work, I would survive several hours on water and granola bars...but if I ever got an actual meal, I felt like I would maybe survive the next 24 hours.  Freezer meals, people bringing meals, sending hubby out for takeout... take people up on their offers and don't feel guilty!  Stock your freezer with burritos, soups, cookies to pop in the oven.  Stock your fridge with sandwich makings and fruit.  Keep your favorite drinks handy - Gatorade or the like is fantastic for an energy boost while your body is adjusting to nursing.  Don't feel bad about keeping food and drinks that you genuinely like and enjoy in the house.  This is a season.  Embrace it.

- Load the dvd player.  Or get Netflix.  Or download new books to your Kindle.  Or something.  It made me feel so much more sane to have something that I was keeping up with during those days of endless nursing, even if it was just a TV show.  My personal choice ended up being The Mentalist.  I got seasons 1-4 from eBay and spent many days watching several episodes at a time, if it had been a rough night before.   Me, baby, rocking chair and Patrick Jane.  That pretty much summed up months 1-3 for us.  Ha...

- Baby wear.  After the first two or three weeks, wearing Timothy in a Moby helped me feel a bit more human.  He and I could go to Walmart, Kroger, wherever, and he would sleep the entire trip, as long as he was worn.  It also helped when I began to have energy to cook and clean again, to be able to wear him and keep him close, but have a little more freedom to be up and about.  If you don't have a Moby or a good quality wrap or sling, invest now.  It is so worth it.  An Ergo has ended up being my carrier of choice once he reached 15 pounds or so.  They are well worth the money if you like being out of the house.

- Co-sleep.  At least for the first few weeks.  It is the best way for everyone involved to get some sleep and feel like you can survive another day.  I was staunchly against co-sleeping before Timothy was born, because I felt like it would mean he would sleep with us forever.  But it doesn't have to be that way. Around 8 weeks our little guy started transitioning quite easily into sleeping on his own, and has been ever since.  In those early weeks, though, you are all they know - and they need you.  They are not manipulating you or creating an unhealthy dependency at such a little age.  Don't be afraid to be near.  They will feel more secure, you will be more rested, and the whole adjustment period will be easier.  Believe me...this mama and sleep deprivation was not pretty.  Sleeping side by side made everything easier.

- Give yourself grace.  If the house isn't clean, if the laundry's not done, if the dishes pile up... just chill, Mama.  You are pouring yourself into a little human, and literally introducing him or her to this huge world, every second of the day.  If you are breastfeeding, this can be an even more overwhelming reality.  Let that be your job and your focus, 100%, for the first 4-6 weeks.  It is a big deal.  Don't be afraid to ask for help, but don't stress.  You can never get these first, brand-new days back.  Soak them up.

- Know that nothing lasts forever.  Really, as cliche as it sounds.  The first days when you're starry-eyed in love with this little creature.  The next few weeks when sleep is a thing of the past.  The middle-of-the-nights when you have nothing left to give and so many tears to cry.  The moments when you just don't know what's wrong or how to fix it.  The nights spent on the couch because they will sleep nowhere if it's not on your chest.  The carseat rides when they're screaming.  Nothing lasts forever.  Not the newborn snuggles when they still smell like a fresh, new baby.  Not the sweet, oh-so-wrinkled feet and hands.  Not the first smiles, coos, giggles.  Not the falling asleep beside you, nursing.  It goes so fast.  In just 10 months, I've already watched so many lasts come and go.  Enjoy every single second of the newness, because it goes.  so.  quickly.

Congratulations on your new baby's arrival or impending arrival!  Soak it up...go on and kiss that sweet newborn foot for me!

-HK

ps:  Have something to add?  I would love to hear your Mommy Boot Camp thoughts in the comments!

I am not good at this...

If I have learned anything about being a stay-at-home Mama in just 10 months, it's that I am not good at it.

No, really.

My maximum time indoors is about 48 hours, and then I go officially stir-crazy.  I get really tired of wiping bottoms and boogers and broccoli-off-of-hands.  I ache sometimes for two hours to sit and play piano, or write, or go hike 6 miles while Dan's working without a thought to needing to nurse or nap the baby.  I miss people, and social events, and playing music until 2am.  I miss going out to dinner with the girls without watching the clock for seven-bedtime-thirty.  It kinda sucks not being able to drink caffeine, because otherwise little mister will be bouncing off the ever-lovin' walls right around midnight.  I get so aggravated and irritated with a mischievous 10 month old whose current favorite pastimes are blowing butternut squash all over the kitchen and biting the breast that feeds him fourtie-seven times a day.  I grow weary of waking up to "Mamamamama", even still, two or three times every night.  I long for unbroken sleep like I've never really longed for anything in my life.  Being needed so much is so not easy.  Mama said there'd be days like this, but nobody mentioned that one little person can make you bone-tired, 24/7.  Geeze.  If someone had been gut-honest with me beforehand, I might have taken pause, and thought it through a little more...

But I'm glad nobody was.  Even on the worst days.

'Cause I may not be good at being a stay-at-home Mama...but God is really, really good at giving grace.      And He's so good at giving gifts and glimpses.  Glimpses of eternal perspective, in the eyes and thought processes of my little boy.  Gifts of glory.  The way this little person learns and grows and explores, and I... I get to be the one to witness, the one to share.  Who am I, that I get to do that?

There's this book that I read to Timothy, I got it at Big Lots for $1.  Every single time I read it, and I made the sound of a kitten sneezing - "Achooo!" - I get this huge belly laugh from him.  Ha...  It makes me smile and chuckle, just thinking about it.  And every night after bath, his favorite thing is for Daddy to throw his towel up like a parachute, and hide under it with him... Timothy just giggles and giggles.  Every time Dan or I come home from being out, all four of his limbs start moving, no matter what he's doing, and his whole face lights up and you think it might break from smiling so much.  If there's a pot of anything on the stove, Timothy loves to watch the steam rising from it...it fascinates him.  He loves nothing better than pushing buttons - on anything.  He loves music and books and being outside and being tickled and being in the same room with his Mama and Daddy.

So at the end of the day...even the toughest, tired-est days...I still whisper, "You're my little love..." in his ear.  And I thank God for grace and brand new mercies.  I thank Him that His grace is sufficient and, even when I'm at my wit's end, He is able and strong enough and loves me enough not to expect me to have it all together.  His strength is made perfect in weakness.*

I don't have this Mama thing down.  I'm not "good" at this.  But the glory is, I don't have to be.  I can only love on my boy and pour my heart into these days...and trust in Father for the rest.  For the grace.  For the glimpses.  For the glory.


-HK

*2 Cor 12:9

Timothy's Birthday Story...

Timothy's birth story is a precious one, from start to finish.  Dan and I take no credit, but unashamedly give all the glory to God for the way this little man was allowed to make his entrance into this world.  His beautiful, natural, peaceful birth is one that we could not have dreamed up or created... we were just blessed to be partakers in it.  We had planned to have a natural, drug-free birth since the beginning, and took 12 weeks of classes in the Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth, with an amazing instructor (and now, friend) here in Cookeville.  We felt very prepared by the time we finished the classes, as far as knowing what to expect when we were in labor, and such.  Neither of us were afraid of labor, and knew it would be hard, painful work - but it was work we were ready to do, together.  And I think that mindset helped.

We had also been going to Infinity Birthing Center, in Cookeville, and had planned to give birth there.  We love all of the midwives there, but just absolutely loved Crystal Bailey from the beginning.  Crystal is a person that just exudes peace, wherever she goes, and the Holy Spirit is so evident in the way she speaks, moves, and touches.  We knew we wanted her to be the one to help bring our baby into the world, and prayed that it would work out that way, still planning to deliver at the birth center.
Through a series of events, Crystal ended up no longer being at the birth center when I was 34 weeks pregnant with Timothy.  I was surprised when, after hearing the unexpected news, Dan's first question was, "Could we do a homebirth with her?"  I had never anticipated him to consider it with our first, and especially when I was only 6 weeks away from the due date.  But we both felt a peace about it, and began talking to Crystal about the possibility.  We thought alot about any possible risks involved, prayed about it, and just felt complete confidence that the Lord was with us in desiring this birth for our son.  So we went forward... supplies were ordered, birthing pool was blown up, and we began to patiently (or, not so patiently... haha) wait for The Day to arrive.


I began having contractions during the night about 2 1/2 weeks before our due date.  I would wake up in the night but go right back to sleep.  On April 6 we went to Nashville for a wedding, and while driving I had my first uncomfortable contractions, but at the time I wasn't convinced that's what they were.  To me they felt like period cramps accompanied with some lower back pain, and it kind of all radiated together.  The next day I had more when I was with my mom.  She said, "Umm, Hannah, those are contractions..."  Haha...  So now I knew.  It was encouraging to know my body was already starting to prepare, and just made me more confident that the Lord has designed women's bodies perfectly to get ready and give birth.


On Wednesday (the 10th) I went to my weekly appointment, and they found I was 3-4 cm dilated, and 60% effaced.  Yay!  Those contractions had been doing their job.  However, I knew that didn't mean I would have our baby that same day.  We did have a few hours of pretty consistent, but mild, contractions Wednesday night and Thursday, but by Thursday night they had gone away and I slept like a rock.  The weekend continued much the same, with hardly any contractions, and I felt really, really good.  Almost less pregnant that I had felt a couple weeks before.  I told Dan and my mom, I felt like something was backwards...


Monday the 15th I had a great day, went around town, ran errands and walked around Goodwill for quite a while.  I felt so much peace about the birth of our baby that day.  I had felt tense and frustrated over the weekend because of the lack of action, but Monday I just felt the Lord say, "I've got this!" over and over in my spirit.  Monday night I went to Crystal's house for an awesome evening of worship, which was amazing in and of itself...the sweet spirit of that night and just being able to enjoy the presence of the Lord with others I think relaxed me even more.  Before I left several of the sweet folks there prayed over Timothy and I, and spoke precious things over his little life.  I just had to laugh when Crystal prayed, and said, "I just feel the Lord saying...I've got this!"  Well, of course!  Apparently He was telling us both what we would need to know the next day...


I went home around 10:00, and knew I was having contractions on the drive, but got home and got in bed soon after.  I woke up several times in the night and would think, "Hmmm, that one was uncomfortable..." but then go right back to sleep.  It wasn't until around 6:30 in the morning that I woke up and thought something was different.  These contractions were actually getting my attention, and by 8:00 I didn't want to lay still through them.  Dan was off that morning, so I told him as I got up, "Just fyi...I'm having some pretty consistent and stronger contractions...but it's probably just another trial run...I'm making pancakes..."  Haha...


I commenced making banana pancakes, but found myself having to stop between ingredients and just relax against the counter.  The contractions didn't "hurt", but I felt the need to focus on breathing through them.  But then I would go right back to cooking.  Dan got up a few minutes later, probably about 8:30, and he actually had to turn the pancakes while I focused on the contractions.  He says he knew then that it was the real thing...but I was still in denial.  At this point they were coming anywhere from 5-7 minutes apart, and as I said, they didn't really hurt at all.  Just period cramp-like combined with some lower back pain and pressure.  I did text Crystal, just to let her know, since they were consistent...but I still not convinced.


Things got more interesting by about 10:30...  as I walked around and did housework, they went from 5-7 minutes apart, to 3-5 minutes apart.  I could still talk through them up to that point, but they were definitely getting my attention.  I started trying to focus on staying hydrated and eating here and there, because I was finally thinking, "Ok...this might be the day..."  I let Crystal know they were getting closer together and more intense, and we kept on laboring while getting the house ready for a possibly imminent birth.

By noon or so I had started to be on my hands and knees alot during contractions, leaning on our ottoman or on the back of the couch, and rocking through them.  But I was still laughing at jokes, or smiling, even during them...I just didn't want to talk.  Crystal called around noon, got the update, and we decided she would come in an hour, after we had labored a little while longer just Dan and I.  He was so great during this time, getting me a popsicle, water, grapes, whatever I wanted.  I still felt great between contractions, so we were just talking and laughing in between, then concentrating through them, then talking again.  I never felt any fear or anxiety during this time...I just remember knowing that this was what my body was supposed to do, and we were just taking one contraction at a time.


Crystal arrived around 1:00, and we just kept on keeping on, contractions holding steady at about 3 minutes apart.  As they got harder she encouraged me to try different positions.  I was rolling on the exercise ball for a while, which felt great.  Then in a great position on the couch where Crystal and Dan rotated massaging my hands and my back...that was absolutely wonderful, because between contractions I felt like jello thanks to their massaging.  It was a nice rest from holding my body up in other positions.


Around 3:00 Crystal decided it was time to check me... I had started being more vocal and moaning through the contractions, and they were definitely getting strong at this point.  However, I was still smiling between them...when there was a "between".  Around this time it started to feel like alot of them were coming one on top of the other.  Dan could hardly walk away when I would tell him to, "Come here!" so I could lean and sway with him.


Crystal checked at 3:20, and I was 7-8 cm dilated, and 90% effaced.  I just remember saying, "Praise the Lord..."  Haha...  I was so afraid that these hard contractions hadn't made any progress.  This was it - we were going to meet our baby.


The next few minutes Dan, Crystal and our wonderful nurse Ashli were pretty focused on getting the birth pool ready, and contractions were definitely getting very intense.  Sometime between 3:30 and 4:00 I definitely hit transition.  Contractions would hit and I would think, "I just want to go to Mom and Dad's house...or anywhere besides here..."  During one contraction I just walked away from Dan, like I was going to go anywhere else...  Haha...


Thankfully at 4:00 I was able to get in the tub.  Contractions felt like they were coming one on top of another, but the water did help me to relax somewhat.  This was probably the hardest part for me...dealing with transition type contractions, and not being able to push.  I was so very ready to be able to do something to help my body and to press against all the pressure I was feeling.  I felt overwhelmed during this stage, and told Dan I couldn't do it, and would just say, "No, no, no..." when I felt another contraction coming.  Thankfully that part didn't last too crazy long.  Around 4:20 I told Crystal I felt like I could push, and she said I could push through some contractions if I wanted to.  That helped alot.   And then at 4:45 she said I was complete, and so we were ready to push in ernest.


The next 3 hours were probably the hardest 3 hours of my life...but they were also the most amazing.  We would make progress, then he would slide back... progress... then slide back... two steps forward, one step back.  My contractions had spaced out alot, which contributed to the ground we lost between pushes.  Crystal had me sit on one hip and then the other, to help him round the corner.


I can't say enough about my sweet husband during the whole process but especially this part.  He was in the pool with me, and every time I pushed he would lean forward behind me, and breath with me.  He was right there through the whole 3 hours, working hard along with me.  Several times he would be praying out loud, or just speaking the name of Jesus, and that helped so much in bringing me back to earth when I wasn't sure I could keep going.


Around 5:30 the doppler stopped working, and we had to make a decision about whether to continue.  Crystal, Dan and I all felt peace about going forward, even though she did go over the risks with us.  We really felt that the Lord had said He had this birth under control, and we went forward in total faith and trust of that.  Crystal prayed then, asking the Lord for our baby to come out screaming and with no cord issues...and we went back to pushing.


Around 6:30 Crystal had me reach and feel his head, the little bit that kept crowning up.  That was encouraging, in the middle of feeling like this part would never end.  There were several things that helped me through 2nd stage... but a few will stand out.  The music we had playing was helpful... we had made a playlist of instrumental songs, and I remember thinking in the last hour or so, when the song would change, "Maybe this will be it...maybe my baby will be born during *this* song..."  Also, I will never forget Crystal looking me in the eye and telling me, "You have all the strength you need to do this."  Just that simple statement resonated in my spirit and I got a fresh wind... I knew I could finish this, because the Lord had given me everything I needed to finish it.  


He crowned at 7:20, and Crystal gave us instructions on what to do as he came out.  She was massaging around his head the whole time, to make his coming out as gentle as possible.  She told me that with the next contraction I needed to give it everything I had, so his head could come out, and then one more for the shoulders.  It took 3 or 4 more contractions for it to be "the one" that brought our son's head out.  Crystal checked for any cord around his neck - there was none - and then one more push brought his little body out.


At 7:43PM I watched him come out and into the water in front of me. Crystal lifted him up and put him on my tummy, and every single minute of pain of the last 12 or so hours absolutely melted away.  You hear people say that, and I always thought it was probably just a cliche thing to say... but for me it was true.  I was tired, but my baby was here, and all I could think about was finally seeing his face.


I did have a small 2nd degree tear, which Crystal did a great job stitching up.  The first 24 hours of recovery were not easy, since it was just Dan, Timothy and I at home, but we made it through and by Wednesday evening I was feeling lots better.  We are so thankful for a quick recovery for me so far, and a precious, precious baby who so far has such a laid-back personality and is nursing like a champ.  He has just stolen our hearts, and we already can't imagine life without him.


We definitely learned alot for next time, about how Dan and I could communicate better during hard labor, and that we might need a better hot water source since filling the pool took a while (our hot water heater ran out after a while).  But we could not have asked for a better birth experience.  We felt prepared because of our classes, and both of us said afterwards that we never felt afraid of what was happening.  The Lord was totally in control of the whole experience, and we just cannot say enough about Crystal and the peace she carries on her while she ministers to women (and their husbands) in labor.  She and Ashli did such an awesome job of being prepared, and just being able to peacefully help our baby come into the world.  We could not have asked for a better birth team.  We are so, so very blessed.


We are praising the Lord for our precious son, and the blessing of experiencing his birth in this way.  God is just so very good, and His presence and purpose has been so evident in these days.  We chose his name for both of his grandfathers' middle names, to honor them and their love for the Lord, and for the meanings of the names - Timothy (valued of God, honoring to God) Earl (warrior).  We believe that his name will be a declaration over his life, that he will be a warrior who is valued by and honoring to our great God - our God who is so worthy of our praise.

"The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy!" - Psalm 126:3